I Got 99 Problems..and mostly they're not real problems.

I've been on a wild bumpy ride the past few months, emotionally, for no reason. Well I guess there are always reasons, but for no major reason.

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I've realized, in the process of attempting to keep up a regular blog, how easy I get overwhelmed by long term projects or long term ideas or long term anythings...and how easily I brush things aside because it's easier to not commit to them. One of my big qualms with this whole "life" thing is that we have no other experience to compare to. Society tells us there's some "normal" thing that we should be keeping up with but how do we know which things are normal and which things aren't? It's like when you're (or, I guess, when I was) 9 and you're wondering if other girls have hair on their legs and if it's "normal" to start shaving yet and blah de blah de blah. This stuff never ends. Like, when I give up on a lot of things...do most people do that too? Do I just feel like a lazy underachiever because usually we're only privy to other's successes so when we see our own failures we feel "less than"?

The rational part of me tries to remember that time when I was 9 and no, maybe the majority of girls weren't shaving their legs but there were some other than myself. And no, it didn't make me a freak, it just made me unique. And that there is really no such thing as "normal", it's just these freaky societal ideals.

But there's still that nagging little voice that wonders if I really am a lazy bum who can't commit to anything and can only enjoy things if she knows they're going to end soon.

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Also all these adorable Asian babies everywhere are sending my "mommy moods" OFF THE CHARTS. I was never the little girl who planned weddings or nurtured a baby doll (well, maybe I wrapped my cats up and put them in strollers every now and then)...but recently all I can do is wander the streets and imagine having my own little chubby cheeked baby wrapped up in a blanket around my chest. Sometimes there's even another little one toddling along at my side.  Usually we go to a well-manicured, comfortable but not excessive two-story home and daddy comes home at 6 and we eat dinner together and watch TV. I'm wearing gingham and have a flawless figure. Also, maybe I've been watching too much Mad Men.

I'm not ready for a family, in so so so many ways. (First and foremost...problems with long term projects? Family's probably not the way to go. right away) But it's nice to play pretend sometimes, I guess. Also I figure since I'm feeling kind of "family-less", (I know you guys are still there! I still feel all your love :]) being so far away from home, it's helpful for my psyche to feel like maybe I could have my own family with me here. The time will come, I know that. And maybe my whole family will look different than it does in my head...but I imagine I'll love it even more than I can imagine.

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Thirdly and finally for tonight, with 7 months left on my contract, I'm starting to FREAK OUT ABOUT REAL LIFE. I know. 7 months is still a lot of time. But really and truly for goodness sake, I feel like I've been working on this project for the last 22 years and I still haven't figured out a thesis and now I only have 7 months left to figure it out and I've procrastinated so much that I missed a lot of good research material. And the professor is putting a lot of pressure on us and we have no actual grading criteria guidelines, and there might be a surprise addition to the project at the last minute and...

Okay, *deep breath* this metaphor is getting out of hand. In any case, I guess I always had this notion that when the time came I would know what I wanted to do in life. Of all the things I'm interested in, one would finally just become clear when it needed to. But I'm waiting...and nothing is getting any clearer. I guess what I'm realizing is that I'm going to have to make a real life, honest to gosh decision about my career path and in the process probably forsake one or two of the other careers I could have had.

I know some of you are thinking: "But Emily! You can be whatever you want! It's never too late for a career change! Plus, if you're passionate about something, you'll enjoy it!". Yeah yeah okay, hippies. I get it.

No, but really.  This is all true and I know it...but life also has these financial realities that are slapping me in the face and telling me to take an office job, settle down in a little apartment, work 9-5 and shuddup about it already.

But I want adventure! Excitement! Knowledge! School forever!
But I also kind of want to settle down and be financially comfortable and save up for a family and whatever.

So, in 7 months I have to figure out the best way to become a freelance: travel writer, programmer, actress, amateur astrophysicist, teacher, bartender. And also regularly make investments into a 401k and own a comfortable but not excessive two-story home.
Please leave any helpful advice in the comment box. 

Love and peace and sorry for the word vomit.
(p.s. yes, I still live in Korea, yes, things are still great otherwise, yes, my next post will be less introspective and masturbatory and more about cool travelly world stuff)