One Year Later

Well, 1 Year, 16 Blog posts. That's about 1 a month with a few ambitious months...not tooooo shabby. And for the new year, a blog redesign! Nothing fancy, but something fresh I hope.

My new contract-year resolution #1 is to write more. It's something I need to do, for my own sanity if for no one else's benefit, but it's also something that requires energy and reflection and thought. Which after a long day at work, or a long weekend spent exploring and traveling, or an even longer weekend spent drinking...are tough things to muster. But I do really believe that reflection is an essential part of a healthy life. I spend a lot of time reflecting out loud to myself while I putter around my apartment, but it's even better to have it somewhere written down. Plus I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I live with someone else...whoops.

So, with my one year anniversary in Korea just past, I think it's an ideal time to reflect on the way that I've changed, the things I've gained thus far, and the expectations that I came in with. Periodically I like to look through old documents I have saved on my computer (essays from high school, old journal entries, the like) and the other day I stumbled upon the personal statement I wrote when applying to come teach in Korea. I think for the sake of reflection, it's interesting enough to post here along with a hindsight-ed afterword.

So, slightly abridged, here's my application essay for the EPIK Teach in Korea program:

Sumer Is Icumen In

So, obviously I'm not dedicating quite as much time to this blog as it deserves. I wish I could tell you it was because I was always out having grand adventures or making breakthroughs with students in the classroom. But...it's not. In fact, in the past few months I've watched every season of 30 Rock, almost caught up on Mad Men, started reading the Game of Thrones series, and somehow haven't cleaned my apartment once. And sure, there maybe were a few grand adventures thrown in there (more on those in a soon to be written post), but mostly I've just been too lazy to sit down and conglomerate the experiences of months into a blog post. It's a gargantuan task in some respects, one that I rarely have the energy for at the end of a long work day.

But today, it is the middle of the workday, my classes are done, and I've had one too many cups of coffee, so I feel like maybe I can tackle at least some thoughts about the weather.

Let's start off where we left off, shall we? Last time we talked, it was springtime...something I didn't cherish nearly enough for the TWO WEEKS that it lasted. Or that's how it feels anyway. Winter was so long and cold and brutal and suddenly the trees were blossoming and the snow was melting and the colors! Oh, the colors! I even started a post in March or May about how amazing it was to experience spring-after-winter for the first time [obviously, I didn't finish it]. Coming from California where the flowers are in bloom all year, I never noticed what a miracle it really is that things emerge from the thawing, muddy ground in colors that have scarce been seen in months. The cherry blossoms came and went, sprinkling all the sidewalks with a delicate snow of white and pink petals, which then seemed to just spontaneously morph into couples because, man, there were a lot of those too. Basically I finally understood everything that the nature documentaries say about spring. It is an awakening, a rebirth, the most fertile time of year!

(more after the break)

Dear Korea,

Stop that. Yes, you, you sly devil. Stop that! You're such a temptress. Making me fall in love with you when you know full well I have plenty of things to be in love with. Like, the U.S. Like, my family. Like, my friends. And then you walk in the room and I can't help but get caught up in the curve of your peninsula and the beauty of your springtime, and your personality. Sure, you have faults. Who doesn't? Your ajummas are a little pushy. Your children don't listen to me most of the time. You don't have a lot of products that I love. Hell, your shoes don't even fit me that well. And my god, your winters are hellish.

But then you pull me back. Another flower blooms, or someone on the street says hello (my students, the girl I know from the market, a stranger!). Or a huge meal costs me 5 dollars. Or I understand someone when they speak in your language! I speak in your language and someone understands ME, rejoice!



What do I miss about home? A million and one things. Everything. All of it. (that's not totally true)

What do I love about Korea? A million and one things. Everything. All of it. (that's not totally true)



But I fall in love so easily. With ideas. With (as Plato might tell me) forms. But the phenomena, the realia--those are so far from perfect. Everything. All of it. So how do you choose between two imperfect things that you (despite that) love so dearly.

If I stay, I'll be making money--a fact that is undeniably, incontrovertibly good. (As I see it, at least).
I'll be near friends; I'll still be young; I'll be able to travel; I'll be able to continue to live in the free and independent manner that I've grown so accustomed to.

If I go, I'll be there for some babies that I love dearly, a family I love dearly, friends I love dearly. I'll start real life (ready or not) sooner. I'll be able to get a puppy. I'll have great weather all the time. I'll be able to drive my car along the coast with the windows down.

The flow of life comes so rapidly, so powerfully--I can't help but imagine that once I'm caught up in it, there's no turning back. Two roads diverged--knowing how way leads on to way...I learned from those great poets. I listened in high school. But I also listened to those beyond me in the way of life. Those who spoke so often of regret. Of moments missed, of time not spent with those we love. And it all comes down to this moment. The moment of choice. Everyone's talked about it, written about it, sung about it, lamented about it. I can't add anything to those before except for my own concrete decision which is not yet a thing. For so many opportunities shunned (always) and so many new opportunities created.


So, Korea. Where do you stand in my life? I'd like to tell the whole world right now that I'm sorry I'm a commitment-phobe. And I'm sorry that I worry too much about seeming clingy...Korea, I'm not clinging to you, I promise. But you seem right somehow. But so does following the original plan.

I can't give you an answer now. In all reality, you haven't even asked me for an answer. I'm just preemptively worrying, as I do. But keep in mind, Korea...if your summer is mild and somewhat mosquito free...you're making a good case for yourself!

So, let's see how that goes.

Love you, (and you too, America...and everyone, really)
Emily

(because I seem stuck on these kinds of blogs (travel writing...WHY YOU SO HARD?)...I'll give you a photoblog of the months prior, as a way of catching up, after the break!)

I Got 99 Problems..and mostly they're not real problems.

I've been on a wild bumpy ride the past few months, emotionally, for no reason. Well I guess there are always reasons, but for no major reason.

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I've realized, in the process of attempting to keep up a regular blog, how easy I get overwhelmed by long term projects or long term ideas or long term anythings...and how easily I brush things aside because it's easier to not commit to them. One of my big qualms with this whole "life" thing is that we have no other experience to compare to. Society tells us there's some "normal" thing that we should be keeping up with but how do we know which things are normal and which things aren't? It's like when you're (or, I guess, when I was) 9 and you're wondering if other girls have hair on their legs and if it's "normal" to start shaving yet and blah de blah de blah. This stuff never ends. Like, when I give up on a lot of things...do most people do that too? Do I just feel like a lazy underachiever because usually we're only privy to other's successes so when we see our own failures we feel "less than"?

The rational part of me tries to remember that time when I was 9 and no, maybe the majority of girls weren't shaving their legs but there were some other than myself. And no, it didn't make me a freak, it just made me unique. And that there is really no such thing as "normal", it's just these freaky societal ideals.

But there's still that nagging little voice that wonders if I really am a lazy bum who can't commit to anything and can only enjoy things if she knows they're going to end soon.

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Also all these adorable Asian babies everywhere are sending my "mommy moods" OFF THE CHARTS. I was never the little girl who planned weddings or nurtured a baby doll (well, maybe I wrapped my cats up and put them in strollers every now and then)...but recently all I can do is wander the streets and imagine having my own little chubby cheeked baby wrapped up in a blanket around my chest. Sometimes there's even another little one toddling along at my side.  Usually we go to a well-manicured, comfortable but not excessive two-story home and daddy comes home at 6 and we eat dinner together and watch TV. I'm wearing gingham and have a flawless figure. Also, maybe I've been watching too much Mad Men.

I'm not ready for a family, in so so so many ways. (First and foremost...problems with long term projects? Family's probably not the way to go. right away) But it's nice to play pretend sometimes, I guess. Also I figure since I'm feeling kind of "family-less", (I know you guys are still there! I still feel all your love :]) being so far away from home, it's helpful for my psyche to feel like maybe I could have my own family with me here. The time will come, I know that. And maybe my whole family will look different than it does in my head...but I imagine I'll love it even more than I can imagine.

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Thirdly and finally for tonight, with 7 months left on my contract, I'm starting to FREAK OUT ABOUT REAL LIFE. I know. 7 months is still a lot of time. But really and truly for goodness sake, I feel like I've been working on this project for the last 22 years and I still haven't figured out a thesis and now I only have 7 months left to figure it out and I've procrastinated so much that I missed a lot of good research material. And the professor is putting a lot of pressure on us and we have no actual grading criteria guidelines, and there might be a surprise addition to the project at the last minute and...

Okay, *deep breath* this metaphor is getting out of hand. In any case, I guess I always had this notion that when the time came I would know what I wanted to do in life. Of all the things I'm interested in, one would finally just become clear when it needed to. But I'm waiting...and nothing is getting any clearer. I guess what I'm realizing is that I'm going to have to make a real life, honest to gosh decision about my career path and in the process probably forsake one or two of the other careers I could have had.

I know some of you are thinking: "But Emily! You can be whatever you want! It's never too late for a career change! Plus, if you're passionate about something, you'll enjoy it!". Yeah yeah okay, hippies. I get it.

No, but really.  This is all true and I know it...but life also has these financial realities that are slapping me in the face and telling me to take an office job, settle down in a little apartment, work 9-5 and shuddup about it already.

But I want adventure! Excitement! Knowledge! School forever!
But I also kind of want to settle down and be financially comfortable and save up for a family and whatever.

So, in 7 months I have to figure out the best way to become a freelance: travel writer, programmer, actress, amateur astrophysicist, teacher, bartender. And also regularly make investments into a 401k and own a comfortable but not excessive two-story home.
Please leave any helpful advice in the comment box. 

Love and peace and sorry for the word vomit.
(p.s. yes, I still live in Korea, yes, things are still great otherwise, yes, my next post will be less introspective and masturbatory and more about cool travelly world stuff)

Catching Up To Do!

How time flies! 2013 is already a month in and what a year it's been so far...

The Golden Mount at night

First things first, Thailand was incredible. Minus a bad case of food poisoning on the way to the airport, the rest was exactly what I needed. The first few days alone were restorative and thoughtful and peaceful. I was reminded how truly nice it is to be a female traveler alone in the world. I met more women alone on this trip than I ever have before and it was inspiring...I think it takes bravery and charisma, and such a sense of adventure to be able to venture out into the world when the world tells you you "shouldn't" (I mean, if I do say so myself  :P).

My second day in Bangkok, I met a girl named Katie from the US at the hostel and we spent the day adventuring together...we got 2 hour Thai massages and lent each other the courage needed to try street food and bargain, we rode Tuktuks and ate Pad Thai and went to an overpriced Muay Thai fight. We met a French woman who'd lost her job and her boyfriend and decided to just leave home and travel Southeast Asia for a few months before trying to find a new job. The three of us explored a flower market and Patpong, the Red Light district, at night. The French woman was remarkably, hilariously pushy and called everyone "Mister" or "Missus". She made the men with the "ping pong show" menus (look it up) describe in detail what went on, before brusquely saying "No thank you mister" and leaving. She was wonderful. Katie (a visual artist) and I spent a warm evening walking along the Chao Phraya river talking about how we'd become disillusioned with the art/performance world and the attributes required of artists. She left the next day to live in Cambodia for three months. She was excited about the prospect of buying a motorbike.

The main sanctuary at Wat Sutat

On Friday I woke up early and packed up my things and spent the day wandering solo through multitudes (okay, 3) of the Wats in Bangkok. I started at a small Wat nearest the hostel called Wat Sutat located right next to the Giant Swing. It was in some ways, my favorite of the three I saw. It was smaller and less grand than the other two, but it was also consequently quieter and less crowded. I didn't feel herded into place along with the other 600 people around me, nor did I feel like I was at a tourist attraction rather than an actual place of worship. It was much more peaceful.

I visited Wat Pho second and while it was certainly splendorous and impressive (the reclining Buddha was particularly awesome...in the "struck awe" sense) it was honestly overcrowded and hot and felt particularly touristy.

Crossing the river to Wat Arun

Last I went to Wat Arun or the Temple of Dawn, which stands impressively on the other side of the river, reaching up beyond the skyline. At this point it was the dead of the afternoon and I was hot and tired, but decided to make the journey for one more temple. I'm glad I did...while it was perhaps almost as overrun with tourists as Wat Pho (not quite, but almost) Wat Arun is home to an impressive spire that climbs over 229 feet into the sky. You can climb up partway, which even with my general love of heights was a terrifying journey, and look out over Bangkok...while catching some cool river breezes.

My favorite part of travelling alone is that you don't have to do anything you don't want to. I don't feel guilty about walking through museums quickly if I feel like it...or sitting for an hour in the middle of a temple and then leaving. There's no one else to please. Maybe that says something about my capacity to have a normal human relationship but...oh well. I spent a lot of time "contemplating" and while after the second temple things started to look very similar, they were still breathtaking. I don't know much about Buddhism, beyond what I've learned from popular culture and whatever, but I was inspired to reread Siddhartha, which I did over the course of the rest of the trip. Recommended.

Pier to the ferry.

Friday night I caught a sleeper train to Chumphon and a ferry the next morning to Koh Tao, an Island off the East coast of Thailand. I had realized the night before that my South Korean card didn't work in the ATMs (great planning, Emily) and I had been spending more money than I meant to...so I faced the island with the prospect that I was running out of money. Consquently when I got to the island, which was jungle-y and humid and amazing, I decided to hoof it to the resort which was about a 30 minute hike from the port rather than take a water taxi. I felt disgusting, but I figured at that point it couldn't get much worse, so I slathered on some bug stuff and sunscreen over the layers of sweat and set off into the jungle. It was QUITE a hike, especially with a backpack on, but I made it and emerging from the jungle sweaty and exhausted to this idyllic little cool beach and turquoise water and a tree swing was the best moment of the trip. I checked in and the woman who ran the resort led me to our beachfront bungalow which was, LITERALLY, ten steps away from the water. The bungalow itself wasn't very fancy, but we had a hammock on the porch and running water which is really all I needed at that point. I threw down my backpack, stripped down to my swimsuit and immediately dunked in the water which was probably about 75 degrees. Heaven. I spent the rest of the day in the hammock sleeping and by the time it got dark I splurged on some fried rice and a big beer and took a stroll in the water after dinner.

Oh well, hello there paradise.

[more after the break]

New Year's Wish

Well. Another year past (passed?)...and what a strange year it's been. I feel this way about a lot of years, though. I guess I feel this way about most stuff in retrospect. I mean really, life itself is such a strange notion, right?  We're all stuck on this (relatively) tiny little piece of dust hurtling through vast space about which we know next to nothing on our way to our probable, eventual demise and yet we still worry about who will come to our parties, how cool we are, or what that last text message meant. And, don't get me wrong, I'm as guilty of menial worrying as the next person (more so, probably) but when I stop and look back at things (like years), I remember how strangely time passes. We move through and meet people and do things and experience things and every day that goes by is gone, lost to the ether. And did that text message or that party make a huge impact on any of that? Usually, no. Of course, it seems the message here is a cliche, as important messages usually are: don't sweat the small stuff. Sure, a new year is just an arbitrary human marker of the passing of time, but every day is in essence a new year. Ever second is a new second. Why worry about past seconds when they're moving by so quickly? It's easy to take it all for granted. It's easy to get scared. Scared of being alone, or scared of being vulnerable, or of not being pretty enough or cool enough...but think about it.  The more time we spend being scared of life...the less time we spend living it.

So, looking back, I can take stock of the stuff I've done . I can look at the things that happened in the world (some happy things, unfortunately a lot of horrifying things), I can think about the passing of time and what this year might bring. I can make resolutions that I probably won't keep about going to the gym more and eating fewer cookies and not sending drunk texts. But what I'm going to do tonight is make a pledge to be less afraid of living life as truly, wholly, simply me.
Part of the reason I uprooted and moved around the world is because I have this nagging sense that I don't know who I  really am (whatever that means). But I also have a sneaking suspicion that I know exactly who I am and maybe it just isn't exactly who I want to be. So tonight I'm going to take some time to simply be proud of myself. Of me exactly the way I am. I may have made some mistakes in my life, I may not be my ideal weight, I may fake talk on the phone to avoid people sometimes...and sure, some days all I do is sit at home and watch 30 Rock and eat fried rice. But as the new year dawns, I think the most important thing for me to say is that
           I LOVE MYSELF. Exactly the way I am.
And while I totally support the idea of New Year's Resolutions and goal-setting and realistic reflection about our lives, I hope that at some point this year you can also take some well-deserved time to just love yourself. I, you, we are all pretty amazing creatures and we're stuck here on this terror-boat speeding into a star death, so rather than worrying about or being afraid of the unknown, or feeling bogged down by life...take a second tonight at midnight or next week, or next month to stop and pat yourself on the back and say: "You're doing a great job. I love you." That's my New Year's wish.

2013...here's hoping.

[BRB, Off to Thailand!]

선생님

Last week my coteacher was late to class (she's like 8.5 months pregnant, so I don't blame her), and as she has instructed me to do, I just went ahead and started class without her. It was a 5th grade class and my 5th graders are angel children. I know it's a product of good discipline throughout the year by my coteacher and the fact that we work well together, but they are also just really good kids. They try hard every day, are always honest if they don't understand something, and more often than not they do understand the material. So with them I usually start class by asking them how they're doing and (unlike the rest of my grades where the answers are, uniformly: "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?") they respond with a variety of answers ("I'm tired!" "I'm hungry!" "I'm okay, but it's cold!"). It's the best feeling, knowing that they understand me. Anyway, on this particular day, we started the new lesson together and as I was asking them questions about vocabulary and there was excited chatter and response and the students were interacting and I was asking all the right questions...I realized how happy I am as a teacher. Of course, there are days when it sucks. But on this particular day...as it is on most days, honestly, it was so nice to know that these kids like me, I like them, and I think I'm managing to teach them something. And I'm starting to finally feel like I know what I'm doing! My coteachers and I never really "lesson plan", per se, but I'm at a point now where I don't even have to jot down notes for myself about the class because things run pretty smoothly on their own. It feels really good.

My wonderful grade 5

There are the days when I feel like my life is a constant game of taboo...when kids don't understand something and I have to madly grasp for other ways to explain the idea of "close", for example...those are challenging days. But at least I feel like I'm using my brain pretty constantly. It's a good test of my own prowess. And then there are the days (like last Friday) when I plan something really awesome only to find out 30 minutes before my class is due to start that it's been cancelled for the day. Who knows why. Luckily I'm a pretty "go with the flow" person, so this doesn't phase me too much...although there are games I've never had the chance to play that I was excited about. So on Friday, instead of teaching 3 classes, I spent the day sitting in my office cutting out snowflakes as real snow fell outside...I can't complain. What's most disconcerting on days like those is that I can go the entire day and not see a student. Which I don't like. Sometimes the kids come to visit me in my office...I've taken to giving visitors a fruit mento sometimes to try and encourage them. I get lonely otherwise! I much prefer teaching to sitting at my desk, but unfortunately more than I would have expected there are quite a few days when my classes get cancelled or moved and so I end up not teaching at all. I try to plan or make games or whatever as much as possible...but some days I literally have nothing to do. Those days are not challenging or really fun at all.

Look ma! I got paid to do this!

I got so lucky in my school placement...my Vice Principal speaks almost perfect English, my Principal speaks English pretty well, and they are both strong women who really like me! We went to another teachers dinner the other night, and the principal (drunk at this point) made me stand up and give a toast to all the teachers. I sputtered out thank you in Korean and then something about how nice everyone's been and I got cheers in response! I really have been so welcomed into the school community and even the teachers who don't speak English or only speak a little go out of their way to make me feel good. It feels like a real community, which even when I can't communicate with the majority of, I've become a part of.  After the first snow a few weeks ago all the teachers had to go outside and shovel snow together...and it was probably the best team building activity I've ever experienced. Everyone was cold and miserable, but helped each other anyway.

Clearing the driveway

My lovely co-teacher!

Also luckily, both my coteachers are very helpful and clear about their teaching methodologies and how they expect me to fit into the classroom. Generally we follow the book pretty closely (for better or for worse...some of the book contents are a bit ridiculous, case in point below), but we divide the lessons between the two of us--they usually do reading/writing, I do listening/speaking, something like that. I also usually get to plan/play the game/activity with the kids at the end of the class and I've been coming up with some good stuff, I think. The best are the times when the bells ring and the kids don't want to leave: "One more, teacher!!". Music to my ears!

Excerpt from our textbook...this is a bit, erm, open ended, don't you think?

When we come back from break my pregnant coteacher will be at home with her baby, so I'll have someone new to work with which is a bit nerve wracking. But I've gotten lucky this far...fingers crossed it keeps up.








So...teaching's been great so far. And while I know this is such a different experience from being any other kind of full-time teacher (in the states or otherwise), it makes me seriously consider going into education. Something about being the giver of knowledge, advice, kindness...it's a nice fit for me.

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In other news, tomorrow is Christmas Eve! It doesn't feel very much like Christmas here, despite the Christmas music blasted in stores, the plastic trees set up all over my school, the snow, the fun Christmas parties I've been to so far. My current theory is there's a certain amount of consumerism lacking that America just does so well. But it's also, obviously, the fact that I can't be with my family...which is rough. There have been some homesick days recently, which I usually try and remedy by watching a Christmas movie (which either works and I feel better, or I just cry it out--equally effective). On Christmas day my coteacher asked me to go and see a movie and get Thai food with her, which sounds like the perfect holiday away from my family. So in the morning I'll Skype home and wish everyone a merry Christmas Eve and then go see The Hobbit. Not my traditional schedule, but this is a year for making new traditions and breaking free of old ways. So, to a new kind of Christmas it is!

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Some photos:

School is getting in the spirit!

Typical school lunch...rice/soup = always. 

Making ornaments with the other teachers.

Korean class White Elephant...so excited for hot packs!

My kids literally shoveling snow on each other.

Walk to school.

I went to another cat cafe...priceless.

Feedin' time!

He thought my jacket was comfortable. 

Hiking in my backyard.